


Five Times Tony and Peter Pulled (Mostly) Innocent Pranks on Each Other...

by Scarlet_Ribbons



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (Until it's not), 5+1 Things, Because it's funny, Collapsed buildings (because Peter can't catch a break), Everyone is an avenger, Family Dynamics, Fluff, Hurt Peter Parker, IronDad and SpiderSon, Major Character Injury, Peter and Tony basically pull pranks on each other, Pranks, Precious Peter Parker, Protective Tony Stark, So do Steve and Bucky... And everyone, Team Dynamics, The Avengers as a team, The Avengers love pranks, Tony enjoys pulling pranks, and all the Avengers take sides, faked injuries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2019-08-02 19:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16311467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarlet_Ribbons/pseuds/Scarlet_Ribbons
Summary: ...And one time it was the (very) real deal.Featuring pranksters Irondad and Spiderson, an Avengers team that finds itself all too invested in the prank war, fake injuries, andanother collapsed building.





	1. Break a Leg, Kiddo

**Author's Note:**

> Another prompt fill! And my first 5+1 :)

It starts, like most terrible, _terrible_ things... With an idea. A _bad_ idea, because Peter Parker is prone to having about 432 bad ideas before he has a good one, something he's been reminded of in almost every single fashion by pretty much all of the Avengers. The only one who's been too nice to say anything about how bad his ideas can be is Steve, but Peter's pretty positive that even Steve has his private reservations.

 

Part of this has to be Peter's age, but the other half... _Well,_ the other half is pretty self-explanatory. 

 

"What if we did, like, a convention?!" Peter hollers over the comms one day as they're fighting, nimbly weaving in between Steve and Sam as he fires a web in the direction of one of the ... _creatures_ lumbering towards them. It looks almost like a croc, maybe with a fatter, shorter snout and _yikes,_ those teeth, they were way too long to be useful in any capacity. Fortunately for the creatures (and not so much for the Avengers), they had the advantage of being able to walk on their hind legs and be very... _very_ large. Peter webs the snout shut and kicks the croc back, and his comm crackles. 

 

"A what." Sam asks, sounding a little breathless, and there are several exasperated groans over the system as the other Avengers chime in.

 

"Don't encourage him," Clint grunts, sending an expert arrow whizzing toward the open mouth of one creature, and _yikes,_ that's gonna hurt. 

 

"I'm offended, Hawkeye," Peter says, injecting just enough hurt into the words so it's too comical to be genuine. "Just saying, it would be _awesome!_ You guys could have these cool little panels, where, where people, fans, like, come up and ask questions and get things signed, and-" He swoops out of the way of some pretty massive jaws snapping-  _all_ too quickly for a creature of that size -down on the air where he'd just been standing. "-And we could serve, like, Avengers themed food-!"

 

"I'm too jaded and bitter to be signing things for people," Tony says dryly over the comm, and Peter half laughs, half huffs indignantly. 

 

"You _just_ went to a restaurant the other day and signed things for like seven fans."

  
"They wouldn't let me leave," Tony defends lamely, and the sound of a croc being blasted into oblivion echoes over the comm. "But charging people to come ask me stupid questions- You already do that for free, Underoos." 

 

"Low blow, Mr. Stark. Low blow." Peter shakes his head over Sam's chuckles and kicks a croc in the general chest region. It makes a sound like a snuffle and stumbles back a few feet, roaring indignantly before relentlessly barreling toward him again. 

 

"Team, focus," Steve says, but Peter personally thinks Steve enjoys their banter and just says things like "focus" and "don't bicker" to reaffirm his position as Team Leader™ before lapsing into silence and listening along. Steve has... Opinions, but more often than not, he chooses to listen benevolently to everything before making a comment. 

 

"Back to the themed food thing," Peter persists, swiftly closing his hands around the croc's snout and yanking back, piggybacking it as he tries to keep it from prying its jaw open and eating him. "I've seen these Spider-Man ice cream ... Popsicle things around, sometimes? And they didn't really capture my _essence,_ but- you know- really, it's the _thought_  that counts-"

 

"What? You get ice cream that looks like you?" Sam sounds outraged as he soars overhead, tucking his body right before he nails a croc. "The best I got, was, like... A janky, limited-time Happy Meal Toy! Limited time! I'm still here, assh-"

 

"Language!" Steve cuts in. 

 

"They capture your essence just fine, Spider-Man," Peter can hear Clint grin over his comm. "The last one I ate of you, one eye was lower than the other. Very apt." 

 

"That's just rude." Peter says dryly. "You'll see. One day you'll all just come downstairs and there it'll be. _A convention._ I'll take over the Tower if I have to do it. I'm going to be selling Captain America popcorn- It's just, you know, kettle corn with red and blue syrup drizzled over it-"

 

"Spider-Man," Steve says somberly over the comm, "Please don't tarnish my name with popcorn coated in syrup." 

 

"You guys are just a bunch of jerks," Peter says over laughter, heartbroken at the sight of his amazing idea crashing and burning spectacularly. Even _Steve_ isn't on his side. "I'll add white chocolate to the popcorn, too. That way it'll be _extra_ patriotic." 

 

"If I hear commotion before eight in the morning, it will be your head, little spider." Natasha's voice is cold and brooks no argument. The comm falls silent. A shiver slithers up Peter's spine, and he nods frantically. 

 

"Of course, Ms. Black Widow," he coughs, turning slightly, and he sees her staring dead at him as she, without breaking eye contact, kicks a croc in the face. _Holy shit._ If only he didn't kind of think it was _insanely_ cool... Oh well, no one ever complimented his sense of self-preservation."Oh, but that reminds me! Black Widow cupcakes with like, little licorice legs? And Oreos as like the bodies? Those would be super cool! I saw it on this blog from this lady named Jenna, she's _super nice-_ "

 

"Kid, you'd never be able to set up the tower for a convention while we're asleep," Tony says, lunging for a croc. "Not because you aren't fast, but because you're terrible at surprises." 

 

_"What?"_ Peter squawks, the convention idea forgotten completely in his indignation as he guides the croc he's still piggybacking toward Tony. "What is that supposed to mean?!" 

 

"You're a shitty liar." Tony says immediately, like it's a fact of life. Like Peter hasn't done a damn near _fantastic_ job keeping his identity secret from every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there trying to unveil it. Barely anyone even knows who he is! Bad liar his ass! 

 

"Language!" Steve scolds once more, obviously contrite at the tainting of young ears. If only he'd been around the other day when Peter swung into a brick wall... He probably would've passed out. "But sorry, Spider-Man, I'm going to have to agree." He sounds apologetic, which just stings, because... Well, because  _Captain America._  "You really can't act at all. You get..." He hesitates.

 

"Twitchy," Clint says, and Peter just _can't even._ "And nervous. You're full of tells. You can't fucking keep still on a normal day, let alone when you're lying."

  
"Lang-" Steve sighs.

 

"It's fun to watch you try, though." Sam says gleefully. "You get all flushed and antsy when you're trying to pull something over everyone."

 

"I can't believe you're all in on this," Peter says bleakly. How is he supposed to be a good Avenger if he can't even keep his lies straight?! And for another matter, that's not even _true!_ Peter has it on record that he is, in fact, a fantastic liar. Sure, he's the only record there, but... 

 

"It's not like it's exclusive membership. You just need eyes to see what a bad liar you are, Underoos." Tony says offhandedly, and there's a murmur of agreement over the comm. 

 

"We'll just see about that," Peter mutters mutinously, flipping the croc onto its back. 

 

\--

 

The thing about pranking Tony Stark is that it is, in fact, pretty difficult to come up with good ideas, especially when Tony is so... _omnicient_. 

  
"What does Mr. Stark  _really_ care about?" he asks out loud in the lab one day, spinning around in one of the wheely chairs, and FRIDAY oh-so-helpfully responds. 

"The boss cares about plenty of things, Peter. He's not in the habit of admitting them openly." It's true. Tony is very, very good at compartmentalizing when it counts, and when it comes to showing his weaknesses and vulnerabilities, Tony's got evasion down to an _art._ But there are moments when Tony's been worried, especially when...

  
"I know," Peter grumbles, toying with a ball of webbing and stretching it out idly as he twists in his chair... and then the proverbial lightbulb glows above his head. "Hey, FRI? If I pretended to have... An injury, then do you think Mr. Stark would be, like..." He lowers his inflection to something meek, even a little cautious, to try to get the AI to cooperate with him on this pretty evil master plan _._  Fortunately, FRIDAY likes him... He thinks. "You know. Scared?"

  
There's a kind of creepy moment of hesitation before FRIDAY says, in an almost cautious tone, "I believe he would be concerned about you, Peter." 

 

"Cool," Peter bounces to his feet, the ball of webbing flying out of his hand and landing with a resounding _splat_ against the far wall in his excitement. "I have just the _perfect_ way to freak Mr. Stark out!" He's darting out of the room before the web even makes full contact with the wall, shouting, "FRI, please don't tell!" 

 

If FRIDAY had eyes, she would have rolled them at the idiocy she knew was about to occur. 

 

\--

 

"No," Rhodey shakes his head, his lips pursed disapprovingly as he stares Peter down. "No. Nuh-uh, no way, _never._ It's not funny to take advantage of someone's vulnerabilities when they've shown they care, Peter." He remarks, narrowing his eyes slightly like a disappointed dad. "I thought you were better than this." 

 

"C'mon, Mr. Rhodes," Peter pleads, slithering close to the other man as he makes some sort of amazing-smelling rice dish. Peter's stomach grumbles, and he audibly swallows to make it stop; Rhodey, bleeding heart that he is, rolls his eyes and picks up two bowls. Peter could kiss him. "I'm not gonna take _advantage,_ I'm just doing it to prove to Tony that I am, in fact, a _great_ actor!" 

 

"Peter, when Bruce left his notebook out here the other day, were you the one who solved all the equations and left it outside his room?" Rhodey asks, spooning the fragrant rice into the bowls while staring Peter dead in the eye. Peter immediately flushes, squirming under the other's knowing eyes and stammering. 

  
"I- I..."

 

"You suck, kid," Rhodey clucks sympathetically, and Peter deflates as he takes a seat at the table. Rhodey watches him pout over his rice, then sighs exaggeratedly and leans in. "The most important thing to do when you're lying to someone is to be aware of your own body, Peter," he says evenly, taking a spoonful of rice and sighing once more when Peter's expression lights up. "So you have to make sure that all your _tells-_ you know, the hand wringing, the blushing, the nervous jittering -are at least slightly concealed. Tony's got his eye on you all the time-" Rhodey casts a suspicious glance around the kitchen. "Bastard always knows what's going on. So if you start giggling nervously, he's instantly going to know something's wrong."

 

"Okay, okay," Peter blurts out, impatient as always and already doing like five of the tells Rhodey's lecturing him about. He makes a concentrated effort to keep his limbs still and puts on his Very Serious Face. "This is the face I use to talk to bad guys," he says, pursing his lips as he looks at Rhodey. "Is this good?"

 

"Yeah, better, b- Wait, kid, don't you wear a mask?" 

 

"Well, yeah, b- But it's all about consistency, Mr. Rhodes!" Peter waves his spoon, sending flecks of rice flying in every direction. "If I'm not serious underneath the mask, criminals will be able to smell my fear!" He sinks back down, letting out an indignant huff. "And Karen tells me I look intimidating."

 

Rhodey closes his eyes and wills himself to be as _patient_ as possible in the face of the frankly terrifying fifteen year old.  _Teenagers._

 

"Okay. In order to act, you have to start with schooling your facial expression..."

 

\--

 

It comes together spectacularly. 

 

Well, not for Tony.

 

Peter hunkers down in an alley, not having expected _rain_... But he kinda likes the way it all looks, him sitting in the alley with his back against the wall, looking all dramatic and sad like he's in the Titanic. Well, like he's sitting on the deck of the Titanic with a broken leg.

 

"Karen, call Mr. Stark," he blurts out, rolling his mask up to his nose before using the extent of his acrobatic abilities to twist his leg until it looks ... Abnormal. Definitely not how a leg is _supposed_ to look, anyway. He takes several hitching breaths, working up the sobs like Rhodey taught him- Rhodey, who used to fake cry growing up to get things from people, who'da figured? -and when Tony picks up with a gruff _hello?_ Peter blurts out,

 

"Mr. Stark, help!" 

 

He's pleased to find that his words come out on the curve of a wail, his voice even breaking for dramatic effect. 

  
"Kid, where _are you?"_ Tony sounds awake and alert and _worried,_ and Peter knows he's just asking to keep Peter talking because he must be tracking Peter's suit already.

 

"I don't know," he keens, pouring his soul into some proper shoulder-shaking sobs as he hides his face in his hands. "I think my leg is- I don't know if-" he whimpers, deciding that not saying anything actually amps the performance, like he's in too much pain to even communicate with Tony. He can hear Tony's breathing pick up on the other end for a moment before he hears him mutter,

  
"ETA five minutes, kiddo, I'm almost there." 

  
For just a moment, he feels guilty. But then he remembers Tony calling him out as a bad actor in front of all the cool Avengers- INCLUDING Natasha! -and he gets over the guilt fairly quickly.

 

"Hurry," he all but sobs, clutching his leg so that even when Tony zooms in he won't be caught unawares. Tony starts saying things, nothing that makes sense, but probably tiny snippets of words to keep Peter's head above the water. Peter catches things like "it's okay, Peter, I'm coming, I'm almost there. This is nothing for you, you're gonna be perfectly fine, we'll- we'll uh, we'll have Bruce take a look and-"

 

There. Peter notices the light above the alley, and before he can blink away rainwater 'tears,' Tony is landing in front of him and surging forward, hands hovering over Peter's leg as he tries to take stock of Peter's injuries. He's touching but not really, looking alarmed by Peter's dramatic, shoulder-shaking sobs. "Kid, what is it, what do you need?" Tony panics, moving closer and _almost_ brushing his fingers over Peter's kneecap, and Peter sniffles, tugging his mask off.

 

"I ne- need," he sobs, then sucks in a breath, wiping his cheeks. "I need you to admit that I'm a good actor." 

 

Tony looks flabbergasted. _"What?"_

Peter can't help himself; he shifts his leg straight again, then bites his lip as he gives Tony a semi-sheepish, semi-smug grin paired with jazz hands. "Surprise? I'm not injured, I'm just, y'know... I just wanted you to admit that I _am_ good at lying. And acting. And keeping secrets."

 

Tony sits back on his haunches, face visible, and he just looks... Confused. But after a moment, it sinks in, and something else crosses his face. Relief, followed by...

 

"Are you telling me," he grits his teeth. "That you pranked me into coming all the way over here, just to get me to admit that you're not a bad liar?"

 

Peter gulps. "Maybe?" 

 

Tony narrows his eyes, and for a moment there's tense silence as they just stare at each other. _Holy shit,_ Peter thinks. _What if I really fucked up? What if he's really, actually mad at me?! What if-_

Then. A wry grin crosses Tony's face, and Peter's shoulders slump. "Oh, kid. You have no idea how badly you've messed up." He chuckles, getting to his feet and looking down at Peter with a ... distinctly not _angry_ expression on his face. "I'll admit you got me, Underoos... That was some impressive fake crying. But you have no idea the war zone you've just walked into, Parker. It's _on."_

Then he's off, blasting into the sky and leaving a shocked Peter sitting in a puddle, thinking, _oh, shit. Did Tony Stark just challenge me to a prank war?_

_\--_

_"Rhodey!"_ Peter cries, bursting into the room. He's soaking wet, wrapped in a towel by now, and he drips his way over to Rhodey, who blinks at him with a sandwich halfway into his mouth. He's certain he looks like a drowned cat. "Rhodey, why didn't you tell me that Mr. Stark enjoys pulling pranks?!"

 

Rhodey shrugs sheepishly, licking mustard off of his fingers. "It must have fled my mind, Peter. Sorry." 

 

Oh, shit, Peter is so _screwed._

 


	2. Can't You Hear my Heartbeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kind comments! I enjoy reading them :)

Tony hasn't felt like this in a long time.

 

When he thinks about Peter untwisting his leg, giving him that half-sheepish, half-smug, expecting look as he challenges him to admit that he's a good liar, Tony had felt... _so_ many emotions, more than he ever really expected to... And to his surprise, most of them weren't _bad_. Even now, there's a weird... sense of excitement? When he thinks about getting Peter back for that _prank_. The one that had taken a neat fourteen years off of Tony's already waning life span, honestly. Jesus, kid. But.

 

Tony may be old and generally kind of miserable, if he's being brutally honest with himself, but that doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy a good prank here or there. He's enjoyed messing around with Rhodey before, who's been fairly absent lately, for some suspicious reason, and now that he has someone new to mess around with, it actually... Kind of makes him feel younger, for whatever bizarre reason.

 

"But how do I prank him back?" he asks aloud one day, casting a surreptitious look around the workshop. Wait. "FRI, where's Peter?"

 

"Peter is not currently in the Tower, Boss." FRIDAY responds, and Tony nods, twisting a wrench and tightening a bolt. Kid's super senses are _really_ inconvenient when Tony is trying to silently worry with Bruce about how reckless he is... not to mention when he's trying to prank the kid. One minute he's muttering about how he needs to plunk Peter on the sidelines and distract him with sugary goods so he doesn't interfere, and the next, Peter's hollering,

 

"Sugary snacks will _never_ distract me from heroism, Mr. Stark!" ... From three rooms away. The kid is, in fact, a menace. Tony will never admit it to Peter, of course, but his many powers are actually quite fascinating; if only they didn't make it so difficult to keep an eye on the kid.

 

"Would you like me to pinpoint Peter's location?" FRI continues, and Tony shakes his head. Even he'll concede that the kid's gotta have a little privacy, even if it is a Wednesday afternoon. The only place he should be is school, and the kid is such a goody-two-shoes that Tony's pretty positive he wouldn't skip school even if he was _dying_. He generally tries not to look into what Peter is doing too often, especially when it looks like he's out with friends, because even incredibly geeky kids like Peter probably want to have fun (even if that fun probably entails, like, a D &D marathon or something. Wait, does Peter like D&D? Of course he does, stupid question, Tony.)

 

"Nah. I just want to make sure he's not here while I figure out how to get him back. I can't figure out how he even came up with that idea." He rubs the back of his neck, grimacing at the counter before picking up a handful of bolts.

 

FRIDAY's lack of response is deafening... and then it dawns on Tony.

 

He narrows his eyes, his voice lowering into something almost disapproving as he crosses his arms over his chest. There's no way...

 

"FRIDAY, did you know Peter was going to prank me?" he demands of the AI, who actually has the nerve to wait a few moments before answering.

 

"I had my suspicions, boss." FRIDAY says, sounding all too calm and, to be honest, unapologetic for having just stabbed Tony in the fucking back.

 

"Is there a particular reason you decided to withhold that information from me?!" Tony demands, grimacing when he runs his hand through his hair and gets oil all over it. Every time, he does this every time, and it's such a bitch to get out. He's gotta start wearing gloves or something when he's tinkering. "Don't you think that that information would have been... I don't know... _relevant to me?!"_

 

"Peter asked me not to tell." Now FRI just sounds almost petulant, holy shit, as if she's reminding Tony that there are, in fact, fucking rules. And one of those rules is that if Peter asks her not to divulge her possible involvement in pranking Tony, then she will not divulge that information.

 

Jesus. It's like Tony's the idiot around here.

 

"Oh, he did, did he? Well that just makes everything peachy!" Tony huffs, scraping his hands over his face. "Well if you helped him, you can help me too! What did you tell him?"

 

Silence.

 

"FRI?" Tony prompts, his tone blistering.

 

"Peter asked if you would be worried if he got hurt. I reaffirmed his suspicions." FRIDAY says blandly, and Tony just stares, speechless. First of all, he has no idea why Peter even has to ask- it's not like Tony's a fucking- emotionally stunted- Well. That's not true. But Tony would like to think that he's shown enough concern toward the kid to prove that he does, in fact, get worried about him- more concern than he's shown toward anyone else, that's for sure.

 

"Playing off my apparently undeserved concern, huh..." Tony mutters, dropping the wrench with a metallic _thunk_ against the counter. All of a sudden, he's aware of some sort of presence in the doorway of the workshop, and he turns to see Barnes standing there awkwardly, shoulders tucked in.

 

Huh.

 

Tony bites back asking how long Barnes has been standing in the doorway, and instead opts to say nothing as the other shuffles in, his posture screaming uncertainty. He makes his way over to the back where they keep lubricant, obviously for his arm, before clearing his throat and turning toward Tony; he's cradling a bottle of lube in his arms like a small child, which is weird, but, well. If the shoe fits and all that.

 

"I went to a wedding once, and... Uh..." He rubs the back of his neck, and despite himself, Tony wonders where the guy is going with this. The tension between them is ... obvious, but Tony's doing his best to play at least _civilized_. They're not the best of fucking friends, obviously, but Tony's not just gonna throw his tools down and storm out while Barnes tells him whatever he's trying to say. "The groom didn't want to get married. He got cold feet and he wanted to run." He clears his throat. "He faked a heart attack and tricked everyone into believing he was dying... And then just vanished."

 

Tony snorts despite himself, then frowns, because... "Why are you telling me this?"

 

Barnes just looks at him. "Peter... Faked his own leg being broken, didn't he?" He says with a frown; he must have heard the story from Rhodey, who, as Tony realized afterward, had had a bit of hand in coaching Peter for the prank. He definitely isn't going unscathed for _that_ betrayal. 

 

Everything snaps into place with abrupt clarity, but before Tony can open his mouth, Barnes is gone, probably assuming he'd overstepped his bounds or whatever.

 

"Did he just ... Figure out a way for me to get the kid back?" He demands aloud, wondering how in the fucking hell things got so damn weird around here. But. He hates to admit it, but Barnes' idea isn't bad. All Tony has to do is clutch his chest dramatically, and maybe he'll actually be able to pull this off. Once again, that weirdly excited feeling bubbles to the surface of his skin, leaving him feeling somehow re-energized.

 

"That's what it looks like, Boss," Friday peaceably responds to his rhetorical question, and Tony sighs before dropping what he's holding and hastily heading out after Barnes.

 

 

"Hey, Barnes, hold up!"

  
He's going to need help if he wants to actually trick Peter, and sometimes that means playing a little dirty once in a while. 

 

\--

 

For this to work, Peter's got to be at least semi-tired. Truth is, the kid is always pretty tired (thanks to his side 'job' and school and sometimes doing side projects in Tony's labs), but when Peter's brain is completely online, it's hard to pull stuff over him.

 

Tricking the kid requires Peter to be only semi-coherent, so his cognitive processes and general suspicion are running at about half their usual speed. Tony wouldn't need to resort to such measures if Peter wasn't a genius, so really, the kid brought this onto himself. It's not Tony's fault this time, but he does have to put in double the effort to time the prank just _right,_ and somehow, the challenge aspect of it makes it all the more satisfying. 

 

Today is perfect. Peter had stayed over at the Tower to work on a project for Tony post-patrolling, and had just _happened_ to stay up until about three thirty in the lab in a bout of what Tony called 'discovery excitement' before Tony jerked awake, sent an extremely concerned May several texts to let her know Peter was staying over, and shooed the kid into one of the spare rooms to sleep. Peter unofficially has a bedroom in the tower where he occasionally stays after doing some work for Tony, and it, in Tony's opinion, is pretty comfortable. The kid even has some clothes stored there in case he stays over, a toothbrush, and other essentials. In a weird way, he seems to have half moved in already.

 

Unfortunately for Peter, he sleeps only a couple hours before waking up for school, which seems to start _way_ earlier than Tony remembers, and now he's perched at the island, looking incoherent as he nearly nods off into his Cheerios. It's more than a little entertaining to watch him nod off every few moments, and Barnes is standing about a foot away from him, making what looks like an omelet and keeping a close eye on the kid in case he topples right off the stool he's precariously perched on. Tony's also nearby, on the other side of the counter with a paper spread out over the marble surface as he watches Peter just stare at the Cheerios like there's something grievously wrong with them. 

 

"Thanks, Bucky," the kid yawns as Barnes pushes over a glass of milk, and it's only thanks to Peter's hands tucked up under his chin that keeps the kid from passing out right into the bowl of cereal. Somehow, probably because of his enhanced senses, Peter actually manages to get most of the milk into his bowl of Cheerios, and then just squints at the bowl like he's not entirely sure what to do next. Barnes looks partially fascinated, partially concerned as he watches Peter struggle, and Tony just smirks and shakes his head at the teen's stubbornness. He actually wants to go to _school_ like this. 

 

As much as Tony wants to ignore it, the fact is that Barnes is undeniably good when it comes to things like this; he's kind of a natural, giving away absolutely nothing as he raises his eyebrows at Peter. Tony idly wonders if the good Captain's been pranked before by him.. and how he might be able to obtain footage of those incidents.

 

For no real reason.

 

"You should get more sleep," Barnes rumbles to Peter, who just stares at him blearily like he's not really sure who he is and why he's talking to him. "What's the point of going to school if the information's just gonna go in one ear and out the other, kid?"

 

Peter wiggles his arms ridiculously, nearly faceplanting into his bowl of Cheerios. "Osmosis."

 

"What."

 

"Osmosis, Bucky," Peter slurs. It's worrying. Tony has every intention of keeping Peter from school today, once he's done messing with him. "If I sit there, I'll absorb something."

 

All of a sudden, Tony sucks in a sharp breath, swiping his hand and knocking the newspaper to the floor. As Peter turns to look at him, still dazed, Tony grabs at his chest with a broken wheeze of a sound, smacking his hand against his arc reactor, and waits for FRIDAY to do her bit-

 

"Boss, your heart rate is elevating," she says, right on time. Attagirl. When FRIDAY gets involved, it makes things seem way more serious than they actually are, since she's typically seen as unbiased. Typically. "Medical assistance is suggested. Shall I call Dr. Banner?"

 

Peter just stares for a second, eyes wide and mouth parted in a shocked _o_ , and then all of a sudden the kid is shrugging off the sleep like it had never been there. It's kind of impressive, really. He's at Tony's side in a superhuman second, supporting him as he tries to half-pull and half-haul him to the medbay... And he's succeeding, because holy shit the kid is strong. And talking a mile a minute.

 

"Mr. Stark? Mr. Stark, can you hear me? FRIDAY, what's going on?" Peter's voice is shrill next to his ear, the kid's arm tucked underneath Tony's as he tries to support him, and he sounds like he's about to pass out. "Bucky, can you please call Dr. Banner?" he begs, and Barnes analyzes a gasping, writhing Tony, straight-faced.

 

"It looks like he's having a heart attack, kid. Do you know CPR?" Barnes asks, point-blank and tense, and Peter looks like he's gonna pass out. Tony has to bite back what feels like real, genuine laughter. 

 

"Only what I've learned in school!" he shrieks, not seeming to notice the ridiculousness of the situation in his panic, eyes huge and dark in his pale face as he stares at Tony; Tony lets out several ragged, theatric wheezes and scrambles to grab Peter's collar.

 

"Kid," he rasps, one hand clutching his chest and one hand holding onto Peter's collar. Peter's eyes are welling up fast, and Tony feels ... Like, a little bad, because Peter has these eyes that could probably have beamed Fort Knox open with their nuclear strength. Even Barnes's looking away, probably to get out of the critical zone. "Listen, Peter, no matter what h-happens to m-me," he croaks, curling his fingers tight and drawing the kid close. "I want you to kn-know..."

 

"Mr. Stark, stop!" Peter wails, trying to get to his feet so he can get Bruce or whatever. Tony digs in and tugs him back, because he can't let Peter just take off during the best fucking bit.

 

"I want you to kn... know..." Tony leans in, really amping up the dramatic effect to an eleven or so, "How good I got you."

 

"Huh?" Peter's jaw works in confusion, his fingers twitching where they're nestled against Tony's shoulder. "Wh..." And Tony sees the moment the lightbulb flickers on in the kid's sleep-deprived brain, because Peter slowly goes a deep, brilliant red, so fierce that he looks like a pint-sized tomato.

 

"You- You-" Peter splutters, looking between Tony and Barnes, whose mouth is twitching up at the corners.

 

"Not bad for an old geezer like me, huh, kid?" Tony deliberately brushes himself off, standing up and leaving Peter half-hunched against the ground where he's frozen in shock. It takes him a few seconds to thaw.

 

When the kid recovers, he gets up, his eyes still slightly red-rimmed as he reaches a hand toward Tony. "You... You're fine," he says, his voice cracking a little bit as he glances at Tony's arc reactor and Bucky again. "It was just a prank...?"

 

Shit. The kid seems pretty affected, which makes Tony internally wince. It's always weird to be on the receiving end of all of Peter's ... Affection. Nobody seems to care as wholeheartedly as Peter does. The kid did get him _good_ just a little while ago, but he still does feel a little guilty when he sees Peter looking this agitated. "Yeah, Pete, I'm fine. Barnes was in on it."

 

Peter slumps finally, realizing how good Tony had pranked him, probably, and looks at Barnes with obvious betrayal... But it seems like that's not even the betrayal he's most offended about.

 

"FRIDAY, I thought you were on my side!" Peter cries, glancing around the room, and FRIDAY actually seems to hesitate. If Tony didn't know any better, he'd even say she seems conflicted by her own torn loyalties.

 

"I'm sorry, Peter." It's as genuine as she can be.

 

"Well that doesn't make it better!" Peter wheels back around, focusing the betrayed frown on Barnes next. "I thought we were friends," he sniffs dramatically, lips pursed into a petulant pout, and plants his hands on his skinny hips. _"Et tu,_ Bucky? I'm totally getting Steve to get back at you!" he threatens. 

 

Barnes lifts his shoulders in a parody of something apologetic, but his eyes are sharp with a wry humor Tony can almost appreciate. "I like a good prank as much as the next person, kid. And sure, but Steve's not really good at this kind of thing. Good luck." 

 

Tony's pretty sure Steve's going to take some offense to that. 

 

"Mr. Stark, I-" Peter puffs up like a bird trying to guard its territory, and he would've looked _truly_ intimidating... If he hadn't still been red-faced and bedecked in a hoodie that all but dwarfs him. He kind of looks like an angry munchkin. "I'm so going to get you back for this," he threatens, but his voice starts to wane, and then abruptly, his limbs go a lot floppier. Tony feels like he's looking at a life-size Gumby with how much the kid is weaving in and out. 

 

"Sure, kid." Tony grins good-naturedly, then stretches out an arm to prop Peter up because the kid's adrenaline is gone, and now he's listing sideways. Peter pinwheels backwards like he's trying to be mad, but fatigue wins out, and the kid slumps sideways between the door frame and Tony's arm. "But I think that in order for you to actually come up with anything, you're going to have to take a day off and sleep. I'll get Ned to bring your notes by later."

 

"But school," Peter says, his voice the equivalent of slushy snow, but he lets himself be guided out of the room (mostly because Tony's not giving him much of a choice). Tony hesitates in the doorway with his arm secured around Peter, and glances back at Barnes.

 

"Thanks," he says, meeting Bucky's eyes, before turning toward the hallway and guiding the sleepy spider-kid to bed.


	3. El Secuestro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, yeah, the title is a nod to an Archer episode. I regret nothing.
> 
> Thank you for all the comments, I love reading them! :) 
> 
> Also, I hope y'all will suspend disbelief just a bit for the story- I know it's not entirely realistic for Peter to kidnap himself just to prank Tony, but it is just a work of fiction, and my Peter, in this, is kind of a little shit. Now I'm going to stop yammering so y'all can read :)

"This is going to be really difficult." Peter starts their little rendezvous off with a bang, smacking the blueprints down onto an upturned bucket. In attendance: Captain America (also known as Steve, Cap, Capsicle, and Stevie, but only by Bucky) and Colonel Rhodes (also known as Rhodey). 

 

Steve's hand goes up.

 

"Yes, Steve." 

 

"Why are we doing this in a broom closet?" 

 

"Be- _cause,"_ Peter flails an arm, "Mr. Stark has ears everywhere! Especially with FRIDAY always listening in! Now. Here's the plan." He turns the blueprint around, even though there's nothing on there but some scribbles. "Okay, this was just to look official. But uh, the _real_ plan is a staged kidnapping." He makes jazz hands, although the silence that ensues after his little spiel isn't exactly encouraging. 

 

Rhodey and Steve look deeply unimpressed. 

 

"You're taking this too far, kid." Rhodey warns, looking around the closet and choosing not to take a seat (mostly because there's no space). He looks like a long-suffering parent watching the rest of the family get trashed on Thanksgiving Day. "Tony's gonna have a damn heart attack if you're not careful." 

 

"He already had one," Peter says petulantly, crossing his arms. Despite himself, one sticky foot presses flat to the wall and the other soon follows, leaving him sticking vertically to the surface. Steve looks equal parts mystified and mildly freaked out, to Peter's mild satisfaction. It's always funny to see how his spider tricks astonish the Avengers. "That he _faked_. Like a jerk." 

 

"But revenge on this scale is..." Steve pulls his gaze from Peter's feet and instead meets his eyes, eyebrows arched, "I mean, you could really scare him. And it's only going to escalate..."

 

"Bucky said you're not good at pranking people," Peter arches an eyebrow right back, and Steve's words comically cut right off mid-sentence as he processes that, mouth opening and closing like that of a fish. 

 

"He said _what_ now?" he says in an odd, slighted tone, one that Peter's never heard coming from the good captain. But damn if he's not going to fuel that fire; he needs Steve _completely_ on board, or else this isn't going to succeed. Steve's role in the prank is pretty big, after all. 

 

"He said you're not really good at things like this," Peter repeats gleefully, trying to tamp down how excited he sounds. Even Rhodey looks a little mystified as Steve appears to go a fascinating puce. It's a color Peter didn't even realize a person could turn. 

 

"I'm really good at changing my voice." Steve says with sudden vigor, leaning in and gripping a broom handle so tightly it nearly crunches under his hand. He's wielding it like a weapon, waving it around with kind of an insane gleam in his blue eyes, and he looks like he actually might kidnap Peter right here and now. Peter slowly moves a couple inches away from him. "I know _exactly_ how kidnappers sound. I can make a very convincing kidnapper." 

 

Peter can't help a small chuckle at how indignant Steve sounds, and Rhodey just throws his hands up.

 

"Are you kidding? You're supposed to be the voice of reason!" 

 

"The voice of reason is taking a nap," Steve snaps at Rhodey heatedly, and the colonel holds his hands up with a groan, and Peter really gets a glimpse of how Steve must have been at some point, a bit reckless and wild-hearted. "All that's left is my annoyed impulse control. I'm in." 

 

Peter turns his megawatt eyes onto Rhodey. "Please, Rhodey? Don't you always want to pull one over Mr. Stark?"

 

"I-" Rhodey sighs, turning away from the beam. Jesus, kid. "I have some conditions," he concedes, crossly. "I don't want too big of an involvement. Tony's already onto me, anyway. And nothing that'll actually put you or him in danger." 

 

Peter's moue starts to give way to a grin. "So. You're in?" 

 

Rhodey sighs, glancing between him and Steve, who's so riled up at this point that the wood of the broom is splintering.

 

"Fine. I'm in." 

 

* * *

 

Peter's a fan of keeping it simple when it comes to pranks, because the more complex they get, the harder the variables are to control. Having only Rhodey and Steve involved keeps it easy to keep the secret, especially with Tony suspiciously sneaking around him in fear of retaliation. 

 

And yes. It's _fear_. As it should be.

 

And as it gets closer and closer to showtime, Peter takes a few precautions. First, he realizes he has to be out of suit, because although he loves Karen, she and FRIDAY might be in kahoots. She's also invested in the facts, not really one for twisting the truth, so the suit stays off. Besides, he needs it for a different part of the prank. 

 

Secondly, he employs Ned for a small but necessary part. Ned's job is simple, because he's usually pretty awful at the whole secret-keeping thing: all he has to do is text Tony toward the end of the school day with a short, innocent message: 

 

_Hi, Mr. Stark! I figured Peter probably stayed at the Tower overnight doing the SM thing and all, but I have notes and homework for him from the classes he missed. When should I come by?_

 

Ned, first of all, is a terrible, _terrible_ liar. He all but has a small aneurysm every time he realizes he's allowed to text Tony (with stipulations, of course, most of them regarding Peter being in danger) but he doesn't have to look Tony in the eye for this part of the prank. When Ned makes eye contact, everything falls apart, which May has exploited over and over again. He just has to subtly hint to Tony that Peter wasn't at school, and that it _possibly_ had something to do with Spider-Man. So yeah, it's not that innocent, but hey. How do you like _them_ apples, Mr. Stark? 

 

Peter arches back in the chair he's in, using a web attached to the ceiling to rock back and forth on the chair's legs. Steve's been his only company in the warehouse they're tucked in- it's abandoned, now, although it had been used as a location that had more or less pumped out illegal alien tech before Tony had cleared it up entirely. Now, they're just waiting for Ned to tip the first domino for their clever little plan.

 

Peter had pulled out all the stops for this one. His phone's sitting, abandoned, in an alleyway behind a dumpster, so when Mr. Stark first tries to track his phone, that's where he should find it. Rhodey had helped him get his hands on a temporary burner phone just so he can text Ned to see how Tony reacts. 

 

_From: guy in the chair_

 

_Mr. Stark is talking to me hOLY SHIT TONY STARK IS TEXTING ME_

 

_From: guy in the chair_

 

_HE SOUNDS MAD OMG IRON MAN IS MAD THAT IS SOO COOL_

 

_From: guy in the chair_

 

_I mean, he's saying I should come by with the homework and that he's going to figure out why you're skipping school. It's been nice knowing you, comrade._

 

Peter can't help a smug grin, which Steve notices. He looks a little wary as he approaches Peter, but Peter's also having a hard time taking Steve seriously when he's wearing a ski mask that puffs up at the top a little. He looks like the world's most clueless criminal. "What's going on? Did Tony take the bait?" 

 

"Hook, line, and sinker." Peter says gleefully. "So first, he'll track the suit, which is at home, so he'll go check my house. Then he'll track my phone, and he'll find it in the alley where I've hidden it. And _then_ he'll text Ned, asking him when I last heard from him... And when Ned texts me that, that's when you call Mr. Stark from the burner phone." Honestly, it's the _best_ prank Peter's ever pulled. 

 

Steve just stares at him. "You're kind of scary, Peter." 

 

_"Who's_ not good at pranks?" Peter drawls gleefully, grinning as he hangs from the webs. He's almost parallel to the floor at this point, his chair precarious at the angle it's tilted, and it looks like it's freaking Steve out a little bit. He hovers around Peter like he's waiting for him to hit the ground, but Peter, who's enjoying the balancing act, stays steady. "I know Mr. Stark is totally going to get back at me for this later, but he can't do that if I keep an eye on him." 

 

Steve huffs out a laugh, almost reluctantly and tugs the mask off, leaving behind _no_ mask hair, like the personification of the American Dream that he is. "You know, I haven't seen Tony playing pranks in a while. I kind of thought it'd become a thing of a past with how stressed he's been lately. I mean... Understandably," he says guiltily, rubbing the back of his head as some semblance of pain crosses his expression. 

 

Peter knows better than to ask, though he does glance up at Steve. "It's important that Mr. Stark knows there are people who care about him." He says with a sense of finality, and Steve, looking a bit surprised, jerks his head into a stilted, if slightly contrite nod. "Oh, it's Ned," he sits up, the chair rocking back into its upright position as he scrolls through the message.

 

_From: guy in the chair_

 

_Mr. Stark just asked me if you had texted me recently. I told him I hadn't seen or heard from you since yesterday afternoon at school. Phase 2!!_

 

"Right on cue." 

 

"You know Tony _really_ well, don't you?" Steve asks, and there's a bit of an odd edge to his voice. He sounds a blend of reluctantly surprised and impressed. "I ... I mean I've known him for so long, I never ... I've never seen him react like this to any kid."

 

Peter smiles guilelessly, feeling only a little guilty about the level of prankage he's about to pull. "Are you ready to punk the _heck_ out of Bucky?" 

 

A series of expressions plays over Steve's face, the last one steadfast determination. He scowls, yanking the lame ski mask back down to muffle his voice before punching in Tony's number. Peter thinks Steve's about to get cold feet, but the captain, who's _full_ of surprises today, growls out a convincing and actually kinda scary,

 

"Listen, Stark, you know what's going on. I want twenty grand for that loudmouthed idiot, and I want you to put it under the bus shelter on 12th. Don't even think about skimping out- I'll know what's going on." 

 

Peter, once he's gotten over his mild shock at the performance Steve is putting on, lets his chair fall back with a loud clatter and yells, "Don't do it, Mr. Stark! Don't do what he s-" He wraps his hands around his throat and chokes, cutting himself off with all the enthusiasm of an Oscar candidate. Even Steve's caught off-guard for a moment.

 

"Shut up!" he snarls after a beat, turning slightly and shaking his head at Peter. "Don't be late, Stark," he hisses, before punching a button and hanging up. There's a beat of silence before he pulls his mask off and grins sheepishly at Peter, which is _really_ disarming, honestly. "Uh, I was kind of, um..." He swipes at the back of his perfect hair consciously, wincing in preparation at the words that are about to come out of his mouth. "Okay, I was kind of an idiot when I was younger? And-" he blows out a breath. "I may have committed some- some, y'know, some small... crimes?" 

 

Peter just stares, mouth agape. "No way. Captain America, pinnacle of pure heroism... Is a lie?!" 

 

" _Hey_ now, not a complete lie!" Steve immediately defends, shooting Peter an injured puppy look. "I mean, I've changed now. But God, I used to..." He scrapes his hand over his jaw, looking all sweet and abashed and _innocent_. Peter wonders how much of it is just an act. "I used to give Bucky so much crap." 

 

Peter can't help but laugh at the thought of Bucky running after Steve in a panic, trying to keep him from doing stupid things. "Then why did he say you were bad at this kind of stuff?" 

 

Steve gives Peter a rueful look, something... A little softer. Something Peter thinks he won't understand for a little while longer, maybe. "I never was good at lying to _him_. Getting one over Bucky, it's harder for me, so. If only he knew some of the pranks I've pulled on the people _around_ him," he chuckles. Peter thinks maybe Steve doesn't often put a lot of effort into trying to deceive Bucky, but he holds that thought to himself, because something about Steve's tone tells him that maybe Steve hasn't quite had that epiphany himself. 

 

Peter wants to ask about Steve's past more, about the types of pranks that he pulled on unsuspecting people who fell for the 'good farmboy' act, but he doesn't really get a chance because the door to the warehouse flies inward, slamming hard into the opposite wall with a massive bang. Tony, fully equipped, strides in with absolutely no preamble, looking like he's ready to throw down, and to Peter's surprise, he's not alone.

 

"Bucky?" Peter blurts out, surprised, when he sees the assassin on Tony's heels. His lips are pressed together in a tight line, but the stiffness of his shoulders relaxes with relief when he sees Peter and even more so when he notices Steve, off to the side.

 

" _Peter_." His name comes out scraped, the mask pulling away to reveal Tony's relieved face. His gaze slides from Peter to Steve, who stealthily moves the mask behind himself. "Oh, thank fu- Wait- How did you get here so fast? He just called me!"  

 

"Me." Steve supplies helpfully. 

 

"Excuse me?" Tony clips out, brittle, but Peter can see the beginnings of realization dawn on him as Bucky strides over to Steve and yanks the mask away. He holds it up, and it looks so sad and pathetic hanging from Bucky's metal fist that Peter and Steve can no longer hold it in. Like a switch, they both buckle with laughter, Peter all but rolling around and Steve leaned over with his hands on his thighs. 

 

"I can't believe you even wore that!" Peter wheezes, clutching his midsection as Bucky and Tony try to remain straight-faced. "You didn't even _need_ to!" 

 

'It's about the _principle of it!"_ Steve just shakes his head. "I was the kidnapper," he manages once he composes himself, rising to full height and trying to yank the ski mask back away from Bucky. Bucky holds it out of reach, glaring with no heat at Steve while Tony lets his suit completely retract away from himself. 

 

"Ned?" He crosses his arms and shakes his head. "I should've known he would be in on this. As if _you_ would ever skip classes," he accuses, moving in toward Peter like he isn't sure whether to be relieved or pissed. He settles for a medley of both, crossing his arms over his chest as Peter struggles to get to his feet. "And you got Capsicle in on this, too?!" He accuses, staring Steve down, but Steve just arches an eyebrow unapologetically before rounding off on Bucky. 

 

"You said I was bad at pranks!" He accuses, pushing at Bucky's shoulder, and Bucky's mouth opens and closes for a moment as he flicks his gaze toward Peter, looking more than a little betrayed. Peter can't really bring himself to feel bad, though. 

 

"Hey, you never said I was supposed to keep it a secret." Peter shrugs as though butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, his smile sweet. "I figured the good Captain wouldn't appreciate the slight, and turns out I was right." 

 

"You have no idea what kind of box you've opened, Pandora," Bucky mutters to Peter, glancing heavenward and closing his eyes; Steve just grins at him, something a little wicked in his expression, and Bucky just looks back at him with the despairing acceptance of a man who has seen that expression before, _many_ times. 

 

"Are you mad?" Peter asks Tony, hopping off the chair and making his way over. Tony huffs out an explosive sigh, knocking the back of his hand against Peter's head harmlessly. His fingers catch in Peter's curls for just a moment, as if he's making sure Peter really is fine, that this is all a lame prank. 

 

"I'm mad I _fell_ for that. I should've known this asshole would be on the other side." He jerks his head toward Steve, who breathes out an offended huff at the words. "And-" He picks up the phone Steve used to call him, clutching it between his fingertips in distaste, like he doesn't even want to lay a finger on the offending object. "Is this a _burner_ phone? Who gave you th-" Realization, round two. "I'm going to kill Rhodey." 

 

Peter dissolves into peals of laughter at the way Tony tosses the phone backward, especially when it hits the wall with a sorry _thunk_. 

 

"Sorry," he says, not sounding sorry at all, and Tony seems to pick up on the insincerity, because he takes a semi-threatening step toward Peter that has the young hero hopping behind Steve with a shriek. 

 

"You just- Just wait, Parker," he threatens, narrowing his eyes as Bucky exchanges a heated, challenging look with Steve. 

 

"Oh, I'm waiting," Peter gloats, peeking out from behind Steve. "I have a whole team now, Mr. Stark. I'm not going to fall for the next prank that you pull, and you _know_ it." 

 

"I wouldn't count on it," Tony says guilelessly, completely composed now, and the hint of a smirk twitches at one corner of Bucky's mouth as the pairs square off. "You're going down, Peter." 

 

"You picked the wrong side, Stevie." Bucky adds, and Steve sputters for a second. 

 

"Oh, we'll just _see_ about that." 

 

Back at the tower, sudden chills run up and down Rhodey's arms as he nurses a cup of tea. "Why do I have a sudden bad feeling?" he asks aloud to anyone listening, and the lack of response is _not_ reassuring. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drop a comment if you liked it!
> 
> (Edit: I just realized at the time this was uploaded, Stan Lee passed away... RIP, man. You were awesome. Thanks for the amazing characters you gave us.)


	4. With a Taste of A Poison Paradise

Tony Stark is a master of lounging. 

Swooning-50s-starlet-draped-over-a-couch lounging, that is. 

When Rhodey walks in and spots him with one of his famed _I’m going to hang onto this until the end of time_ expressions, he tries to make a break for it; unfortunately Tony’s words lash quicker than Rhodey’s legs. 

“Rhodey, wait, come here,” he calls out, guesturing vaguely toward his back. He’s bedecked in one of his most lush nightrobes for the _extra_ pathetic effect. “I need you to remove the knife from my back.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Tony.” Rhodey picks up a handful of M&Ms from the glass bowl Tony had sulkily been picking out of and rolls his eyes heavenward. “It’s just a prank.”

“You know damn well that these aren’t just pranks.” Tony scrambles upright, his expression twisted with what Rhodey _thinks_  is supposed to be indignant horror. “Let me _grace_ you with an understanding of teenagers, Rhodey.”

“That’s really not nece-”

“Teenagers,” Tony declares, dropping the robe with flourish and revealing, for some reason, a suit underneath (he’d been going for a lazy-chic look today), “are a plague upon the world. They’re nosy, noisy, and for the most part, stupid.” 

"That is _definitely_ not tr-“

“Peter is the exception,” Tony muses, conceding as much. “Instead of being stupid and reckless, he’s clever and generally thoughtful. But all teenagers have the memory of an elephant. If I lose to him now, in this little battle of wits, so to speak, he will never forget it, and _I_ will have to hear about my loss for the rest of my life. Now, I consider myself fairly introspective-”

“It’s just lie after lie today, isn’t it?”

“However!” Tony continues, pretending Rhodey hadn’t said anything at all, “be that as it may, I don’t want my nightly introspection to be consumed with the thought of losing to a _teenager_. You think this is a  _game_ , Rhodey?” He slams his hand dramatically against the table, shaking his head with a wry, grim smile. “No. No, this is war. And I am going to come out bloodied- from your betrayal,” he clarifies, and Rhodey is worried his eyes are going to get stuck in his head from how often he’s been rolling them, “-but victorious. That is all, good sir.”

“Are you quite done?” Rhodey sighs. “Look, Tony, I don’t mind helping both of you out in your pranks. I’m ... I’m like if Switzerland played for both sides, you know?”

“Chaotic neutral?” Tony muses. 

“I just don’t like it when things go too far, and they almost _always_ go too far. As long as you and the kid are safe and uninjured at the end of it, I really _don’t_ care who I’m helping out.”

“I am injured,” Tony declares witheringly. “Because you stabbed me in the back, Rhodey.”

“Tones, have you ever considered that you might be a teenager stuck in a geriatric’s body?” Rhodey questions innocently enough, but Tony makes a ridiculously dramatic expression and spins on his heel, heading over to the kitchen. 

“Cupcakes!” He declares all of a sudden, resting his arms down on the counter. “I will be tricking Peter into thinking they’re poisoned. Nat is addressing a note to him this very instant, because I know Peter knows my handwriting. I had to bribe her with a month of grilled cheese sandwiches, but, y’know, worth it.”

“I hate this,” Rhodey says immediately.

“Hate away, I don’t care. I know you won’t say anything to Peter.” Tony waves his hand dismissively. “This is going to be the simplest method yet the hardest to execute. He really needs to believe that I’m in danger.”

Rhodey hates that he’s curious, despite Tony’s smug smile. “Okay... so what’s the twist?”

Tony’s triumphant smile grows. “The cupcakes are going to be addressed to Peter, and Steve is going to find them.”

——

The cogs of the plan begin turning when Peter gets to the tower after school. A stack of mail sits on the countertop, innocuous enough. Tony, who’s innocently rummaging through the fridge, glances askance at Peter and offers a greeting as the other snags some muffins Steve had made earlier.

“Hey Mr. Stark,” Peter beams back, demolishing a muffin in two terrifying bites before going in for muffin two. Good, he presumably suspects nothing... although Tony has the element of surprise on his side. Usually, it would probably take around two days to plan the pranks out and properly get all the elements in place for execution. Peter most likely wouldn’t expect Tony to pull a fast one on him less than twenty-four hours after Peter’s prank. “That’s a huge stack of mail.”

“Yeah, have you been putting this address on college lists?” Tony turns, folding his arms and narrowing his eyes at the teenager folded into one of the island chairs. “Also, aren’t you, like, twelve? What are you getting college mail for?”

“Everyone gets ‘em, Mr. Stark,” Peter mumbles around a mouthful of muffin, surprisingly not denying the inquisition regarding his age. “It’s kinda like spam. I just ignore the ones that I’m not interested in.” He slides the stack of mail toward himself with a sheepish smile, sorting out the college letters, and Tony schools his expression into one of serene neutrality when Peter comes upon a large pastry box. The sheep-laden logo, complete with fluffy little hearts and cloud-like puffs, says _Delilah’s_ in thick cursive bubbles, and Peter frowns at it before looking up at Tony.

“Hm.” Tony comes over and risks a glance at the pink box, before also frowning. “I think I know this place, it’s a little bakery down the street. Steve put it here earlier, maybe they’re his?”

He’s _so_ clever. To really make sure Peter doesn’t suspect anything, Tony had placed the box of cupcakes in the lobby of the tower himself, with strict instructions to the bemused staff to hand them off to poor, unsuspecting Steve as he returned from his morning run. They were to tell him that someone had delivered cupcakes for Spider-Man, and would he be so kind as to take the cupcakes upstairs?

Fortunately, Steve did exactly was was expected of him, and once he unknowingly delivered the cupcakes upstairs and relayed the staff’s message to Tony, Tony proceeded to cover the box with mail and set the trap for Peter.

“But they’re addressed to me.” Peter doesn’t exactly look suspicious yet- likely thanks to Steve being an unwilling buffer -but he does gingerly lift the top of the box to dart a quick glance inside at the three rows of perfect, guileless cupcakes with red and blue frosting. Each one is topped off with a small candy Spider-Man mask, which Tony had personally overviewed the design of before its placement onto the cupcakes. He’s quite proud of their semblance to the real deal, actually. “I wonder who sent these.” 

“Don’t look gift cupcakes in the mouth, kid,” Tony says generously, clapping Peter on the back. It’s so bizarrely ridiculous how unlike himself he’s being; if someone had sent Peter cupcakes any other time, he’d have run the whole gamut of lab tests to make sure no one was trying to poison his kid.

But this is wartime. And the rules are different now. 

“I don’t know.” Peter picks up the note, glancing at the finely scripted words scrawled across the paper: _To Spider-Man: Thank you for looking out for our neighborhood! -A fan._ He looks slightly worried, which Tony dearly hopes isn’t the kid’s watchdog spider-sense kicking in. If Peter thinks he’s actually in danger, he’ll suspect Tony and this whole thing could go down badly.

“Oh, I see you’ve found the cupcakes!”

Steve, towel thrown around his shoulders and with the accompaniment of a surly Bucky, chooses exactly the right time to round the corner and enter the kitchen. To Tony’s dismay, their hair is wet. _Both_ of them.

“I know for a fact that those showers are made for one,” he mumbles, one corner of his mouth ticking up in a smirk when Steve flushes slightly and glares at him. Fortunately, Peter’s too absorbed in the cupcakes to have caught that completely, although the tips of ears have turned slightly red.

“It saves water.” Bucky shoots back impassively, not looking the least bit bothered as he moves in toward the cupcakes. “What are those?”

“They’re ...” Peter furrows his brow. “Cupcakes. For me. From a fan, apparently.” He seems to be relaxing a little, now that he knows Steve really was the one who’d brought them up.

“Maybe you’re finally getting some of that good old Avengers recognition,” Steve jokes, and Tony privately hides a smug smile behind a glass of water. If only Steve knew he was further digging a trap for Peter. “Or maybe your aunt sent them?”

Peter now looks downright uncomfortable, shifting in place as he shakes his head. “No, the handwriting isn’t hers. And besides... she uh, she wouldn’t ... really do something like this.” Tony knows the words on the tip of Peter’s tongue- _it’s too extravagant, it would cost way more money than what it’s worth_ -or any number of similar things, so he steps in with an arm thrown heartily around Peter’s shoulder to save him the embarrassment.

“Look, kid,” he says grandly, his exaggerated motions prompting an eye-roll from the good captain, “I’ve gotten many a gift in my time doing this gig. Chocolate-covered wine bottles, gift baskets with dried fruits, even occasional voodoo dolls of the other Avengers, should I feel the need to stab Legolas repeatedly in the ass with a bunch of needles for my own amusement.” 

“Excuse me?” Clint’s outraged voice filters from what suspiciously seems to be the vents. They all ignore him.

“It’s like what the oh-so environmentally-conscious Capsicle says. Sometimes, you deserve recognition for your heroic feats. And just look at these charming little candy toppers! If you’re not going to have one, I will.” He picks up one he knows is vanilla, because he absolutely despises the taste of artificially chocolate cupcakes, and peels the wrapper off.

“Hey, they’re for Peter!” Steve frowns at him disapprovingly, while Bucky just continues to watch him blankly. Peter’s relaxing, though, tossing a good-natured eye roll toward Tony. Perfect. His guard is down. 

“You’re my mentor,” Peter says with a shrug and a little smile. “If anyone deserves to have the first cupcake, it’s you. You practically made me.”

Tony’s about to take a bite, but that gives him pause. He blows out a steady breath, silent for a moment before shaking his head with a disapproving glare in Peter’s direction. “Don’t start with me, Underoos. There’s no hidden meaning here. I like this bakery. I like cupcakes. And for some reason, you’re not eating any of them. So I’m going to. Nobody- nobody _made_ you Spider-Man but you. You did that idiot hero thing all on your own, buddy. I’m definitely not taking credit for your sheer recklessness.” He taps his head with his index finger. “Don’t think I don’t know about your patchy first suit and your homemade webs.”

Peter flushes a little, toying with one of the candy toppers and averting his gaze. He looks less wary and more confused at this point, which makes Tony think that maybe, maybe Peter isn’t used to being recognized more than verbal praises and grateful handshakes. It makes the prank a little more harmful than Tony had been hoping, but he promises himself to keep an eye on Peter when he receives costly gifts in the future- because knowing the way the public has been receiving him, Tony’s certain the next gift isn’t going to be from him. 

“I had nothing to do with that self-inflicted hero business. That was all you, kid.” 

He takes a large bite of the still slightly-warm cupcake, and through a mouthful of luscious buttercream says, “and you deserve to reap the rewards for it,” partly because he wants to see Steve cringe at the red and blue mess he’s broadcasting to the world and partly because he wants to see the self-deprecating shroud lift from Peter’s skin. The kid finally glances over, and seeing Tony happily enjoy the admittedly delicious cupcake, he slowly passes one over to both Steve and Bucky and picks one up himself.

Tony’s reaching for a second one when he chokes.

“Eat a little too quickly, Stark?” Steve smirks at him, coming over to clap him on the back and likely attempting to dislodge the offending substance, but Tony just makes another desperate choking sound and holds onto Steve’s arm with a steel-tight grip. Steve’s smirk vanishes, and he quickly- and with a little too much of that good ol’ superhuman strength, grips Tony to steady him upright. Tony grunts at the vice-like clamp, thrashing about like a fish on a hook as he coughs up frosting, and Bucky even comes over to hold him up by the other arm. “Tony? You good?”

Tony drops the wrapper, meeting Peter’s horror-stricken eyes, too big in his childlike white face. It’s jarring, and Tony almost stops acting right then and there as Peter flings the cupcake away from himself and screeches for Bruce at the top of his lungs. Dimly, through his theatrics, Tony hears the vent covering pop off. Clint, who he hadn’t been expecting to join in on the mess, smacks him hard on the back, evidently attempting to make Tony cough up the rest of the cupcake; Tony, now verifiably trapped in between Bucky and Steve, has no choice but to comply. It’s not pretty.

Poor Bruce, who had been warned about the prank by exactly nobody, had been on his sleepy way to the kitchen, but he books it down the hallway toward them upon hearing Peter’s ungodly cry. There’s a pencil in his graying curls, but not like, above his ear so much as it is just randomly shoved at some point above his forehead. Tony has to work so hard to hold back a wheeze of laughter, instead turning it into another choked, hoarse cough.

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” Bruce panics, fluttering his hands around Tony and barking at Bucky, Steve, and Clint to guide him to the medbay. Peter’s horribly small, shaken voice echoes out from next to the counter.

“They- they were meant for me.”

Tony makes an all too dramatic wheeze of a sound, sucking in his breath to hide the fact that he’s slightly worried about Peter. Steve’s trying- successfully, since he’s much stronger than Tony at the current moment -to half-drag, half-pull him along, but Bucky stops like a statue just around the corner and exerts just as much force in the opposite direction, bringing them to a standstill.

“Buck, come on!” Steve hisses, but Bucky shakes his head wordlessly as Tony sneakily steals his arms back and dusts himself off. Watching the concern drop like a wayward elevator from Steve’s expression, to be replaced by pursed lips and a lethal glare, almost caused Tony to lose it right then and there. Clint’s mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water, but before he can shout at Tony, Bucky grips his arm and presses a finger to his own mouth. Clint shuts up, glaring mutinously between him and Tony.

Tony waits, just hidden out of view as he listens to Peter speak.

“The cupcakes, they were meant for me,” the kid says, fervent and hushed, his voice wracked with guilt. “I should have been the one to eat them. I can heal, I-”

“No, kid, it’s not- I’m gonna go check on him, it’s going to be okay. Nobody should have eaten them, and Tony eating one isn’t your fault. He threw most of it up, so hopefully-” Bruce runs for the corner, muttering, “I’m always telling that idiot not to eat suspicious things,” with a gray sheen to his face. He stops dead in his tracks when he sees Tony standing there, without even a trace of any apparent malady.

“Thanks, Bruce,” He says sarcastically, clapping Bruce on the shoulder as he passes him and heads for Peter. Peter, who’s still looking at him with eyes the size of dinner plates, just drops his arms, sinking into a heap on the floor and curling himself up into a ball.

“Oh, thank god,” he whispers with a slight wheeze, scraping his hands through his abundant mess of hair before peering up at Tony through the slats between his fingers. His shoulders sag, a suspiciously placed sniffle punctuating his relieved words. “I’m so glad it was a prank, I’m-” He sucks in a shaky, fluttering breath as Tony kneels down beside him. “I’m so glad it was a prank, Mr. Stark.” 

Tony’s feeling things. He’s feeling all too many things, most of which are annoyingly sappy and terribly stupid. He settles for squeezing Peter’s shoulder gently before helping him up.

“Everything I said still holds true, Underoos,” he says, over the sound of Bruce sputtering behind him with a gobsmacked expression. “You’d still be every bit the hero you are without me. Now come and eat one of these cupcakes because I spent a small fortune on those dumb candy toppers.” 

A surprised, wet laugh bursts from the kid, who nods shakily and sits down in one of the barstools. “I don’t want to be a hero without you, Mr. Stark,” he confesses with a little smile as he indulges in one of the cupcakes. Steve and Clint munch on theirs with utmost annoyance, looking like they want to throttle Tony, but Tony’s just a little too overwhelmed to really tease them and just chooses to quietly shove a cupcake into his mouth. Damn kid, liquefying his insides with that stupid expression on his face. 

(But he does add this specific moment- the five of them shoving cupcakes into their faces while Peter looks at him like he’s hung the moon and Bruce yells incoherently in the background about them wasting his time- to his list of happy places).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had written most of this before Far From Home... :(
> 
> slowly but surely updating these in lieu of hellish grad school prep, thanks for everyone's patience <3 I'm behind on responding to comments, but I'm doing my best, so stick with me!
> 
> Title from Toxic, by Britney Spears.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what y'all think, I love reading comments!! 
> 
> Come check out my tumblr and maybe throw prompts at me?? :) Also I like making new friends so come at me.
> 
>  
> 
> [silky-scarlet-ribbons](http://silky-scarlet-ribbons.tumblr.com)


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